My Secret War: Installment 1

I have an admission. I wage a secret war against a most heinous adversary. This enemy has infiltrated our neighborhoods. This enemy is shameless. This enemy is... CUTE!

Make no mistake about it, underneath the fuzzy, friendly, furry exterior beats the heart of a fiend! This tiny critter, along with its gang of like-minded minions, has gnawed, clawed, and nibbled a path of destruction through my yard.

Sure, a few nips at the edge of the deck could be tolerated. Indeed, the loss of a bird feeder every few months seemed acceptable. But then something changed.

The tidings of true trouble began with the grill... First a tooth mark on the handle, then chunks missing from its stand, and finally the complete destruction of the propane tank hose. Rodent wreakers of havoc! Huffing ones, too! How was I to have known that propane is a glue-sniffing squirrel's ultimate high?

Not content with barbeque bedlam, these nibbling nasties moved on to structures. That's right, structures. Their cruel quest for chaos led next to the storage shed. Poor shed.

Yet, even at the sight of this chomping challenge I retained a purely defensive posture. I reinforced the shed, hastily erecting metallic defenses like a lone GI armor plating my Humvee.

The crazy critters merely gnawed away at the fringes of my makeshift metal masterpiece. I had to escalate! But how? I considered poison, but quickly dismissed the thought. Too much potential for unforeseen consequences. Traps? No, I might capture an innocent bystander by mistake ("innocent bystander" = chipmunk or bunny. My kids would never forgive inadvertent bunny bondage).

At this point, I developed the SDS or Squirrel Defense System. It is a highly refined solution, consisting of strategically placed rapid response arsenals and trained system operators. It is non-lethal and highly effective. It is... Tennis Balls!

That's right, tennis balls tossed with uncanny accuracy! I am once again the big dog of my backyard and have the squirrels on the run. Though I haven't harmed a single one, it's proved a great source of amusement for my family and an effective deterrent to those rats-with-fur-tails.

I fear the nut-stashing ne'er-do-wells are plotting a massive counter-attack, readying themselves to rise up in a wave of rodent retaliatory fury. Until then, wish me luck! I am making my stand at the shed... Because we all know if the shed falls, the house is next. Egad!